Strong Women....from years gone by to now!

Following on from my last blog - (gosh time has gone so quickly) - can't believe it is so long since I wrote it...

Anyway, over the past few weeks I have been thinking again at all the strong women in our family - oh yes there were some incredible men, but as mentioned before, so many generations of our family have had to "cope" (not the right word I know) with being the sole provider of our families or proving their strength in other ways.

From a relative who survived a shipwreck on her way to India (and who was rescued by a Russian ship) to another who had 8 children (one of the twins dying in the Persian Gulf and who she had to bury her in an orange box in the desert)! Emily Lang had an incredible story from being a governess in France and being sent home in disgrace as both father and son fell in love with her (apparently) to meeting her future husband and finding herself in the Persian Gulf and India and Pakistan. It must have been incredibly hard for her - especially as the twins were both about 9lbs each and she was only about 5 foot nothing! - Imagine being in those incredibly restricting clothes, pregnant with twins and in that searing heat - I know I certainly couldn't have coped with it!

Emily Lang (nee Bird) in either the Persian Gulf or India

Anyway, I am digressing as usual - this blog is also partly a way of showing my family tree and how these incredible women moulded how we turned out...more about this later on...My mother had to look after myself and my brother after my father died when we were young and though not coping well both physically or mentally, she still made sure that we went to good schools and had every chance in life.

My own daughter was a product of a single parent family (so much for certain Tory politicians thinking that they always turn out delinquent and a waste of space) - I will always be so proud of what she has made of her life but I also acknowledge that I must have had a small role in that too! And to the person who refused to acknowledge her existence, it is your loss - you have missed out on knowing a wonderful girl and now woman!

More to come in the next instalment and I promise to myself it won't be quite so long!

So.... why not follow my blog and find out more about the Lang/Fuller strong women?

Welcome to the Lang Family Tree and memories of times gone by...

Where to begin?....

Following a chat with my daughter yesterday, she said that it would be really good to know some of our family's past (including my own) as we have lost so much information by not asking either my mother or aunts about our history. Both she and myself have something in common - in that we don't know anything of our paternal history. Hers is more complicated but that is something to be written about at a later time - even after all these years, guilt and the sense of betrayal by those concerned mean that it is still hard to talk about - that betrayal for want of a better word seems to follow me all through my life - why do I still trust anyone - maybe because I have a stupid belief that people are in fact nice - and it always comes as such a surprise when I find that is not quite the case.

I always think that what people say is in fact what they mean but 9 out of 10 it isn't - I really should learn to become tougher instead of being all weak and soppy. I know deep down I am strong - after all I am still here  and have a wonderful daughter as a brilliant testimony that I have done a good job and for all of those people who have decided that it is "them not me" that is your problem - you have missed out on such a lot.

So, having got that off my chest, it is really a case of where to begin? So much of my past has now been shovelled into a deep cavern inside me - I have always tried to work out why do people hide so much from themselves, is it because it hurts too much to remember and it is therefore so much easier to forget the hurt - oh I can still remember the total pain and humiliation that I used to feel when my father made fun of me - I know now that it was because of the agony he was going through with his cancer, but as an 11 year old you don't know that - the image of his thin legs and having to help him into bed still remains with me - also his terrible cough and how I used to hide in my bedroom to escape it - I also remember having my hair long so that I could hide my tears from him - as they say, you always try to hurt the ones that you love the most and from reading my mum's diaries after she'd died, I know that they were so pleased when I came along - my mother had to have treatment to have both myself and my brother and so they must have gone through a lot to actually produce us!

I also wonder if depression, anxiety can be genetic or be continued through the generations? - my mother had had such a horrible life with her own mother that I wonder if she couldn't help what she put us through after my dad died - but that is for the next chapter...

So, this is perhaps where to begin....

End of one year, Start of a new one....

I know many people have written blogs, messages and so on to celebrate the end of one year and the beginning of a new one and I am wondering by writing down some of my thoughts and hopes it might help - hmmmm I wonder - but still....

My daughter (who is the light of my life - and if you do read this I apologise for being so corny but it is true) keeps on telling me to forget what has happened in the past, forget those people who keep you hanging on with vague promises or offers and look to the future, so this is what I plan to do for 2013!

This year has had it's good times - of course which year doesn't? - from starting a new website from scratch, seeing people actually liking the cards etc that I have designed to my daughter and her boyfriend move into their very own flat - when I went to visit and looking at how they were so happy made me in turn feel proud that she has become a very lovely and successful young woman. She now has a really nice partner who really loves her! (oh goodness maybe I should pass  the sickbag around..) - my turn next I think? 

I have however, become more and more aware that I am really not satisfied with the way my life is going and that it is now time to actually do something about it! Am not changing things for the sake of it but because I think I am the type of person who likes an "easy" life and if I don't do something now then I will become the type of person who says "what if"....

So what do I plan to do in 2013? Well, first of all and I know lots of people will be going to do this, is that I plan to lose weight and get healthy, secondly I am going to make sure that I am doing something that actually makes better use of the experiences and talents I have and not just making do with "second best" and thirdly, am going to ditch those things that have dragged me down for far too long - am going to make things happen rather than waiting for someone else to do it for me...

Well even if I do one of these things then that will be a start - and who knows, I might actually get to do all of them!

Happy New Year to everyone and here's to a great 2013..

NaNoWri

Well it is nearly 1st November and I have signed up for the NaNoWri - 50, 000 words and in a story form to be written in the month of November - how scary is that? I'd signed up last year but didn't manage to get going - this time is going to be different!

I have always enjoyed writing and this is a way of disciplining myself to actually put pen to paper (well that and putting onto the screen).

So many ideas are in my head that I suppose I better get some semblance of order and begin the daunting process of writing!

As Sherlock Holmes is always being misquoted - the games (or plot) is afoot!

Dreams .....Who'd have 'em

Why is it, when dreams are supposed to be so therapeutic, can they make you feel so bad?


What is so good about waking up 3 or 4 times a night with a dream that you have had so many times before - scenarios different but principles the same - dreams so realistic that you wake up with your heart pounding, scared to go back to sleep in case you return to that particular nightmare?


And another thing! Why is that they still pursue you, even when you know why you had them the first time round - insecurities about work, life, relationships or the past, do they still insist on returning - surely it is enough knowing what needs to change without it being repeated each night! Aagghh!


Feeling that there is definitely something or someone out there that will "make it better" surely is enough - or is it?

What do i feel like writing about and why?

Now that I have made the decision, rightly or wrongly to do a blog (tried to do one a couple of months ago and the first one was all I did!), I feel I should in fact write some more than the first entry - I will not let it be like my attempts at diary writing when I give up after the 1st week....

So many ideas, thoughts are jumbled up in my brain that I am going to need some time to put them in some semblance of order! I first thought that I would try and explain why I enjoy writing, but then thought no-one would want to read about that, so I thought that it might be better to group them in some "themes" again that sounds a bit grand, but there again, it might indeed work - so many things that happen in life, repeat themselves throughout the years, so it might be better to try and put some thought into why things do happen again and again?

So, having decided that I should try and be a bit ordered in my approach, what do I put pen to paper about first? State of the World generally, Politics (from someone who worked for the Labour Party for many years), Loneliness, Depression ( this affects so many people that it should not be swept under the carpet - and it is great that such well-known people such as Stephen Fry and Alistair Campbell are not afraid to discuss how it has affected them! Work - how hard it is to get the "work/life" balance right - at whatever age you may be! or Family and Relationships?

As the latter seems to be on my mind quite a lot at the moment and seems to be affecting my mood, view on life etc, I think I may write about that - I think what I am feeling or thinking is like so many other people, I hope some other people might read it and think - yes that is what is going on in my life - I am not alone!

So, that is what I am going to write about next - I hope it will be interesting - am finding it a great exercise just writing this!

More the next time!

Why blog I am asking myself?

Blog, Vlog - everyone from politicians to show business "celebrities" seem to be writing their thoughts down in a very public arena - so, I am thinking to myself, why on earth do I want to set myself possibly for people to criticize and slag off what I have written?

Obviously, what I am going to write is seen from my own perspective, sometimes it might not have been very accurate, but that is, I think, the same for everyone - what someone might think is a problem, another person could breeze through . Some also, may think, that "I should have known better" etc, but again, none of us are perfect and we are all trying to do the best we can in sometimes difficult circumstances!

Right, back to why I want to do this? Putting your thoughts down in a blog has appeared to me a very "arrogant" (not the right word but I am thinking of the one I should use!) thing to do - why on earth would anyone want to read my ramblings? It occurred to me however, that, if I had had the "support" or friendship of people in the past, then I might not have thought (however incorrectly at the time) that I was alone in trying to cope with my feelings and what was happening to me! I want people to know that even though people might be perfect strangers, they do care and are interested in what is going on in other people's worlds.

Having been part of the Twitterati (if I can call myself that) for a few months now, I have been amazed at how many really lovely people there are out there - perfect strangers to all intents and purposes, but they become part of a "family" - people who listen, reply when they can, and give advice (even if only in 140 characters) when it is needed - people who you can talk to at any time day or night - people who will say good night when you are going to bed by yourself, people who will say hello and goodbye when you are going to work, people whose "metaphorical" shoulder you can cry on when maybe you can't talk about it at home and much much more....

So why now? I hear myself asking that question! Well, the idea of writing something is appealing to me - the fact that Blogs can be short snippets of what has happened, what is or might be happening is attractive! The idea that a person can view a situation and see one point of view and in the very same breath be told that it is nonsense fascinates me - how can there so be many diverse and opposing points of views? These people might not agree with you, but they are experiencing the same emotions and feelings that you are but maybe in a different way!

The fact that someone can do this, can understand what you are going through but have diametrically opposite opinions is such a complex (in my opinion) issue that I find it both stimulating and encouraging. So why now? Once again, I am bringing myself back to why I am trying to Blog - meandering in one direction or another is such an easy thing to me to do - my mind is jumping from one idea to another all the time!

More next time.......